The White Rose vs Lancaster Shipping War
by WeirdGuyOne
Summary: Formerly from my RWBY Rants. Here is the White Rose shipping war. Made by a friend and I having a normal fan fiction messaging conversation turned into chaotic story making. Rated M because why not. humor, drama, romance (kind of) horror (white rose is a terrifying ship) and offensive content! HELL YEAH! Oh, and the sequel is now out inside the story. (Author's Note 11-1-2018)
1. WhiteRose vs Lancaster Part I

Sometimes, I dream about cheese..

Wait, what the fuck are you doing here?

WAITN ON ONO WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME

WHY ME?

What?

This is an odd conversation.

YOU'RE TELLIN ME FUCKFACE

who's who

what's what!?

WHY?

WHEN?

WHERE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

WOAH WAIT..

A CHAPTER!?

What's the basis for this, you ask. Well, here it goes! HEY, IT'S ME, WEIRDGUYONE!

The asshole is back to offend, persuade, or make you laugh!

Now, I have a friend (Won't say who, they don't want white rose shippers after them) and we started joking and insulting Ozpin. it came to this: "If I was Ozpin"

Here's the chat.

* * *

(me)

if i was ozpin:

(Ruby Rose meets Ozpin)

Hello, miss Rose. I am Ozpin, and this is my lovely assistant, Glynda. She's a dominatrix who thinks riding crops are wands. I am a wizard who uses a cane for fencing and I am going to try to warn you before creeping you the hell out.

Now, these next few following lines could sound a bit perverted, but I assure you, I am not a pedophile. I am a headmaster and wizard.

Now, you have silver eyes. Magic, boom. It exists. I know, your entire world has been blown. And no, Glynda, shut the hell up and leave. I don't need your angry glares. It distracts me because then I have to talk to you instead of talking to Miss Rose who I'm going to be inviting to my fantastic school for badass hormonal teenagers with superpowers. I know, I'm the best.

Anyways, have this magically appearing stack of cookies. *insert some shitty ass teleportation sound effects* Oh, that was just my boombox that I play whenever I want to magic something around. I know, I'm simply the best. I said it twice now because it's so true.

Anyways, here, join my school because I know, and this may sound perverted, but I once again assure you I'm not a pedophile, that an adorable girl like you who has magical eyes and is honestly better than half of the kids at my school combined, wants to join my school full of badass teens.

*After Ruby leaves the interrogation room*

Okay.. Time for some planning.

*time skip to tower, walks over to a few student files*

It is time to become the shipping wizard. I will be the one capable of it! Honestly, Salem's a bitch. Oh, hey. It's that one chick Qrow saw attack Amber. What was her name? Cinder Maul? No.. It'll come to me eventually, anyways.. You think you can get the relic I have here? HA. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! I always wanted to say that and now I am officially the wizard.

Now.. Onto more pressing matters. How can I ship Mr. Arc and Miss Rose together... I mean, they clearly are perfect together.. *Is looking at my scroll in which it's Jaune and Ruby during the Shining Beacon part II, both chatting.* Yeah, I'm going to do this. They're going to be the best ship I've ever made. And the only one I'm going to be focusing on this year because honestly, nobody else in this school is truly noteworthy. Except Ms. Valkyrie and Mr. Ren. Though, I'm pretty sure they're already together. Meh.

(This is me if I was Ozpin.)

(Friend) If I was Ozpin:

*Ruby Rose meets Ozpin*

Hello Ms Rose, how look you have silver eyes. Yeah, I already knew since my most faithful underling, your uncle Qrow Branwen, told me the second you were born but still I'd like to point it out. Why, you may ask? Well, it's not everyday you meet a little girl with a built-in Deus Ex Machina, even if you're thousands of years old. No I was not calling you old, I was calling myself old.

Now, onto the serious matters, I already know Qrow taught you how to fight with a oversized gardening tool, but I'll ask nonetheless: where did you learn to do that? Because I totally want to do that too. Last time I tried to use a scythe I beheaded myself, eheh.

And don't lie, I know you didn't learn this at Signal, as I said I already know Qrow taught you. He's the only idiot around who's reckless enough to use that death-trap. Again, Qrow's my most faithful underling so I know everything about you. No I'm not a stalker, Ms Rose, I have more pressing matters to attend to than stalking a little girl like a paedophile.

So here's a plate of cookies, I know you love them since, again, Qrow told me. He's a drunkard but he's a good source of information. I also knew you would've eaten them at the speed of lightning since Qrow told me AGAIN that your Semblance is speed. Quite fitting as you seem to talk about as fast as Oobleck. Don't worry, you'll meet Oobleck soon.

Now, your reason to be a Huntress is extremely naive, frankly stupid, and definitely a reason that would have you discarded immediately. You'll be risking your life, Ms Rose -I know this quite well, I lost my life several times fighting Grimm-, this won't be a pleasant dream nor a fairytale... although fairytales might get involved. Don't ask, you're not ready to know, you'll be ready when your friends will abandon you or die and your school will have been destroyed by a madwoman who wanted power. Don't look so horrified, Ms Rose, this is all part of the world of Huntsmen and Huntresses. So, as I said, your reasons suck, suck so very hard, but since you have silver eyes and a built-in Deus ex Machina, I'm gonna allow you into my school for hormonal teenagers with weapons of mass desctruction and superpowers you only see in cartoons. Unfortunately we don't have super robots, though. Atlas has that privilege, but I'm getting off topic here. Forgive me, at my age is easy to ramble.

Anyway even if it should be impossible you in two years somehow got better than people who trained five or more years at fighting, so you'll be allowed into the school. Besides who wouldn't want the girl with the best plot armour around in their school?

Now, move along, I have other stuff to do. Glynda, please don't growl, you'll scare our new student.

*after Initiation and a few weeks into Beacon*

Ozpin: "Okay, let's start our great plan. Shipping is a fundamental part of this school, plus having the chance to ship your students is part of your salary, so here we are. Peter, order of the day!"

Port: "Today we have to find our year's ship and make it sail. The votes, please."

Ozpin: "I totally ship WhiteRose."

Everyone else: "Boooo!"

Glynda: "As much as I don't like Mr Arc, I find him perfect for young Ms Rose. I say Lancaster."

Oobleck: "I've seen Ms Nikos's attempts to get Mr Arc to guess the right answer, and they're pathetic. Frankly, I think Ms Rose helped him much more than his partner. Ms Nikos only trained him. So my vote goes to Lancaster too."

Port: *guffaws heartily* "The lads are so fun to ship. I'd say Ms Valkyrie and Mr Lie but they seem to have already gotten together... quite a long ago. I find Ms Rose to be adorable, the granddaughter I never had, and Mr Arc is the boyfriend I'd want my granddaughter to date. Lancaster with no regrets."

Peach's ghost: *eerie ghostly voice* "I talked a lot with Summer recently, she asked me to vote Lancaster."

Ironwood: "I hate the Schnees, so any ship with Ms Schnee and I'll throw the shipper out of the window. Ozpin you're safe only because you allowed me to take part in this. I know nothing about the Beacon's students so I'll just go with the flow. Lancaster."

Port: "The session is closed. Lancaster wins. Ms Ruby Rose and Mr Jaune Arc will have to be together by the end of this year."

Winter: *looks out of the window* "Ehm... sires? Ms Rose and Mr Arc are making out under a tree in the courtyard. I think they've been keeping their relationship secret to avoid Ms Xiao Long's rage. So... objective achieved?"

Port: *sighs* "Today we have to find our year's ship, other than Lancaster. The votes, please."

Ozpin: "...WhiteRose?"

*he gets thrown out of a window by everyone else*

Let's go in a step by step detail on how everyone else throws him out of a window.

A. Port steps up and grabs Ozpin by the arms. He belly punts Ozpin out the window.

B. Oobleck speeds down and brings Ozpin back up.

C. ironwood falcon kicks Ozpin in the nuts out.

Repeat of B

D. peach possesses Ozpin to walk off. He hits his nuts on a railing because Peach made it so. Painful.

Repeat of B

E. Glynda uses a blackhole on ozpin's testicles and then falcon kicks him out

Repeat of B

F. Winter summons an army of boar grimm and make them charge Ozpin, knocking his ass out the window again

Repeat of B

G. Oobleck pulls out his torch and goes at speeds that can escape black holes fucking nails Ozpin across the chest, sending Ozpin flying faster than mach 8 while having severe chest pain

Epilogue: Ozpin's fireball hits the tree near Ruby and Jaune who are both startled and look to see Ozpin covered in scars.

Ozpin looks to Ruby.. "Whiterose?"

Ruby and Jaune look to each other. "dafuq is whiterose"

Suddenly the army from before appears.

They look at ozpin and drag him up the tower to repeat the process.

Ruby and Jaune look to each other. "dafuq is whiterose"

Let's go into detail over what each of them thought:

Ozpin:

Ehm, ehm, let's move onto people who can actually think.

Ruby: What the hell? Me with Weiss? Who's ever thought of a stupider ship!? Weiss always on my butt to do that and that and she's unbearable! Just because we're partners? That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard! I don't have anything against girls or lesbians but me with Weiss is just a big fat no!

Jaune: ...why is he Headmaster again? I mean, he can't have really just suggested WhiteRose. Who ever ships WhiteRose? Weiss would need to undergo serious changes for it to happen! Unless... well, I could see Weiss being the toxic part in a toxic relationship, but Ruby would never get in such a relationship. And besides, WTF?! Ozpin suggesting one of his students, the youngest one too, to get raped by a control-fanatic, cold-ass Ice Queen? WTF?!

"dafuq is whiterose"

Suddenly the army from before appears.

They look at Ozpin and drag him up the tower to repeat the process.

Ruby and Jaune exchange another glance, change tree, and promptly start making out again.

* * *

And that, my friends, is a true story. Yes, there might be some repeated lines, but that's part of it.

And if you want more shitty ass messages I've made, well, I'll attempt to give em'.

Just know that I have so many arguments/discussions that it's insane.


	2. Part II of The Shipping War

**Hello, it's me. WeirdGuyOne. Now, this is the second part of White Rose vs Lancaster shipping war. My friend and I make great stories together apparently. Though, I'm a trash writer. Anyways, here's the story.**

* * *

[Friend] It was a normal day in Beacon. Explosions, inhuman mutilations, Grimm attacks, scary Professors (one of them, actually), phantom teachers (poor Pr. Peach died years before, but her contract bid her to remain for 30 more years), odd Headmasters, but most of all arguing students.

Ruby and Jaune had gotten together, that was a fact everyone in the school was aware of. They had gotten together and somehow, they had survived meeting the parents. Yang, Taiyang and Qrow had attempted to murder Jaune, but the spirit of Summer Rose had intervened and possessed the boy, using her skill to defeat the three enraged relatives and then calmly tell them to f***. Ruby had had less luck, and the other nine Arcs had interrogated her for two days before Jaune had set their house on fire and blamed it on the neighbour. They still didn't know what happened to the neighbour, but at least Ruby was safe.

Ruby and Jaune had gotten together, and EVERYONE but two people thought they were so very cute together. Cinder went "f*** if" and cancelled her plans because she didn't want to break up such an adorable couple. All evil guys turned good and even Salem had come to bring the two of them candies.

They were just THAT cute.

Unfortunately, two people didn't think so.

One was Ozpin, Headmaster of Beacon Academy, a man with a suspicious addiction to coffee who had escaped the madhouse millennia before and somehow reached immortality. The other was Weiss Schnee herself, who claimed that Ruby should've been paired with her.

The Lancaster duo was currently being chewed off by the Frigid B*** (she had gotten an upgrade. +50% cold damage, +100% uptightness, +0% bitchiness because she's already at MAX Level) [Me] who was being a major bitch like always. She ran past the guy from that ranting story, John, who just smacked her across the head knocking her away before screaming, "STOP SCREECHING LIKE BANSHEE. YOU FUCKING RETARDED DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING! YOU LOW-LIFE SCUM! YOU FILTHY PIECE OF VILE SHIT! YOU ALSO BROKE MY FUCKING SCROLL! DOUCHEBAG!" John kept swearing curses, slapping Weiss at light speeds each word.

Then stopped, before putting his hand to his chin and asking, "Wait.. If you sister serves in the military but has daddy issues, would she call Qrow 'daddy' in bed?"

And with that, Weiss fell unconscious.

John looked at her comically collapsed body. "Huh. That's weird. I thought everyone saw Qrow and Winter being paired together. And who the fuck wears a dress for combat with heels? I'm surprised this kid hasn't died yet. Even Jaune is more capable than this girl and he doesn't know how to fucking wield his sword.. I mean the sword and shield, I'm not sure how he is in bed. I'll have to ask Ruby."

Ruby and Jaune, who were both listening, blushed, turned-tail and ran. ".. Okay, can people tell me why people are running away? My questions are perfectly normal!" John yelled, irritated. Before grabbing a sharpie, sitting next to Weiss and drawing some very offensive comments.

The list of comments on Weiss's face went as follows.

Ice Bitch

That One Fucktard Who Ruins Everything

Major disgrace

-3/10

Can't even grow boobs yet is 17 years old.. still has A-Cup and no ass either

Paler than a vampire.

Hair so white that this girl screams american

and so on.

Meanwhile, with Ozpin..

Who just woke up in front of a mirror and saw some comments on him as well.

The Fake Wizard

White Rose Shipper

Fucking Moron

Incapable Fighter

Can Only Tap Dance

Bringer of Destruction

The Reason Evil Exists

A Gay Boy

Dude who lost his balls fighting John because he insulted John's OTP: Lancaster

Guy Who Got Cloned by John but John's clone is actually nice

And more..

But what really took Ozpin's attention was the other Ozpin. Who was looking at him with a determined glare.

"So you ship White Rose, huh?" The second Ozpin said in a Russian accent, "YA SHIP WHITE ROSE, HUH COMRADE?!" He yelled in his Russian accent.

"FOR THE RED ARMY!" And with that, the second Ozpin blitzed to the first, temple punched, teleported, kicked him in his now nonexistant testicles, threw Cardin's mace with gravity affecting the weight to make it two tons at his chest, and then appeared at the desk in the middle of the room calmly, sipping coffee.

Original Ozpin; however, was NOT calm or sipping his hot cocoa. He just got his ass manhandled in .4 seconds. Not even enough to fucking register the fact he got his balls annihilated until a minute after what happened.

Then, he let out a Wilhelm scream.

[Friend] And thus was born the legend of Beacon's Male Banshee, called Banshin.

*meanwhile, back in Beacon*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

*ehm-ehm... somewhere ELSE in Beacon...*

Ruby and Jaune were trying not to break out laughing at Weiss's newest "makeup", thanks to the man of mystery named John. They'd have to get him something nice for that. Their first thought was to give him a few dozens cans of pepsi, but then they realized Remnant didn't sell those, plus he apparently had a limitless store with him.

But this is getting off-topic.

Ruby and Jaune were trying not to laugh at Weiss's face. Jaune because frankly, with her so very broken Semblance she could probably kick his a**, while Ruby had to keep up her innocent appearances and pretend she didn't know what the swears on her face meant. The task proved to be a hard one but our two heroes (meaning John and the as-of-now still unnamed farmer boy in Mistral who for some reason felt like he should thank someone called WeirdGuyOne) succeeded. Then, Weiss went into b***-lecture mode Mark XMIII (1993). Her Mark was so high because she practised it really often so it leveled up quickly.

"You two shouldn't even be together! It's not right! A failure like Arc shouldn't date Team RWBY's leader! She's unfit to lead but she still has to have some decency instead of dating a half-wit and weakling like Arc! Besides, partnership is a surefire way to confirm ships, so Ruby's with ME, not you, Arc, so step aside and I shall forget your existence."

In mid-scream, Ozpin still managed to wail a "...WhiteRose..." before his clone returned with a vengeance.

Weiss, still, nodded triumphantly. "See? Or rather, hear? Even the Headmaster wants us together."

Ruby and Jaune looked at each other before Ruby offered Crescent Rose in sniper mode at Jaune. Not burdened with the blade, he merely used it as a baseball mace and caved Weiss's already inexistent b*** in by hammering her chest, sending her flying until her skirt got stuck on the top of the Beacon tower. No one looked up to get a free glimpse because there wasn't really anything interesting to see.

Meanwhile, Weiss screamed "Someone get me down of here! I'm Weiss Schnee, Heiress of the Schnee Dust Company, you must serve me, so now get me down of here!"

For once obeying to her orders, John appeared beside her. She only had the time to say "No, not you!" before he ripped her skirt where it had gotten stuck, and she free-fell into the ground, creating a b***-shaped hole in it.

Back to Ruby and Jaune, they nodded in satisfaction. "How does a date to a bakery sounds?"

"When?"

"Right now."

* * *

and that's the chapter. I know it seems like my friend is doing more work and that's true. My friend is a great person, does my work for me it seems. No, I'm just kidding. I just write shitty parts that add something to the story and then they can be revised and have an extra part. So yeah, my friend does more work than me.


	3. The War Of White Rose vs Lancaster

This is the next for White Rose Shipping War

* * *

[Friend] Location: Vale, Main Street N504, Goldrake's Bakery.

Seriously.

Time: 5:25:44 PM, free period after school lessons.

*with Jaune and Ruby*

"You know, Ruby, every time I'm surprised by the sheer amount of cookies you eat and by the fact you never put on weight," noted Jaune. "I mean, back in there you ate around 150 cookies plus a large strawberry cake, yet I know that you won't get an ounce of fat."

"Eh, Aura helps," winked the girl. "You didn't spare yourself, either. You ate... Jaune, is that Weiss?"

"Huh?" Jaune looked away from his girlfriend to see a suspiciously white-haired woman making her way over to them. He sighed. "Yes. Yes, I think it's Weiss."

"Wrong," smiled Salem, finally reaching them with a bag of sweets in her hands. "I was just passing by... you know, usual Grimm business... and I said 'why don't I visit my OTP? It'd be wonderful!' and so here I am. Here, take dear, these are for you two."

"Thanks grandma Salem!" cheered Ruby, hugging the incarnation of Grimm with a giant smile. She smiled back before something took control. Something horrible.

"You know... Ruby... I have something... something to tell you." Something that was... "I ship WhiteRose."

...a WhiteRose shipper.

Ruby stepped back in horror and Jaune dropped the sweets, both looking ready to run.

Salem tried to control herself, but she found herself stepping forth. "R-Run... you two run!... I... ship... L... Lan... L... Lw... White...Rose..."

"No! Grandma, fight it!" exclaimed Ruby, tears pooling in her silver eyes. "Thy ain't WhiteRose! Thou must fight!"

"Ruby, we need to get help!" exclaimed Jaune, grabbing her hand. "I think I know exactly who could help us... we just need to find him!"

*with Ozpin and Weiss*

The two conspirators were huddled together behind a wall, attracting the attention of all passer-by's. In their hands there was a small voodoo doll of Salem. The two of them cackled.

"Thankfully my super uper duper triple hyper extra mega ultra broken Semblance has a Glyph for voodoo magic," grinned Weiss. "We'll show them what true love is."

"Indeed, my clever student, indeed," nodded Ozpin, holding up a doll of Ruby. "We shall stop Lancaster, now and forever! Go, my messiah, and kiss the girl! I will make sure she's willing!"

"I will, my supreme lord. For extra credit, personal interest, and for everything that is WhiteRose," stated Weiss before handing Salem's doll over to Ozpin and running after Jaune and Ruby, the second of which seemed to be steadily slowing down. Ozpin grinned as he stopped her altogether and made her turn.

"Arc! Stay away from her, she's mine!" exclaimed Weiss, halting in front of Ruby and almost falling over. A smart person doesn't run in heels. "I will prove it! Ruby, kiss me!"

"N...no...J-Jaune...help...please..." Ruby wailed even as she was forced to lean in. "J-Jaaaaune!"

[Friend] *in Jaune's mindscape*

Devastation. Burned remains of everything that had once existed. Tonight Remnant burned, and lit the air with spectral fires and wails of the dying.

All of that was aimed to a single Frigid B***

*Back to Vale*

Jaune's eye twitched and his Semblance activated. A huge Archangel made of light formed behind him and swung his giant sword at the cry of "Whatta f** is WhiteRose?!"

*In Jacques Schnee's office, a few seconds later*

Weiss crashed through the wall and into the table just as the man was screwing his Faunus secretary. He swore loudly. "Now of all fucken times?!"

*Back in Vale*

"I... must... kiss... Weiss..." wailed Ruby even as she tried to oppose to the force.

"Let's get you somewhere safe," sighed Jaune as he picked her up bridal style. "We must find him. The man of mystery, the only one who can help us... John."

[Me] Jaune started running with Ruby. Then he remembered something..

"Uh, Ruby.. Could you use your semblance to dash us to Beacon?" As soon as he finished that sentence, he experienced the dizziness and motion sickness as usual, put up a hand, ruby dashed a meter away, and then vomited.

"YO WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" A nearby voice yelled. Jaune, after throwing up part of his lunch, looked over to see John staring at the Beacon Statue. "THAT SHITTY STATUE SUCKS, TIME TO CHANGE IT!" and then he snapped his fingers, the entire statue molding to create Ruby and Jaune kissing. John put his hand on his chin in a thinking pose, "YES, THAT IS PERFECT!"

and then he turned to Ruby and Jaune. "Hey, Ruby, I have a question! I was going to ask it before but you kind of ran off and I had work to do last time, how good is Jaune with his lower sword?" Ruby, suddenly remembering why she thought John was a weird person, blushed and stood still in spot while comforting the still somehow dazed Jaune.

[Me] John walks over to the dazed Jaune. "NOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT AT VALE?! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD CREATE.. archangels? What even was that? A giant fucking white bright light? also, why the fuck did it scream 'dafuq is whiterose' ? WhiteRose is terrible. And uh, why is Ruby looking possessed? Why the fuck is voodoo surrounding the atmosphere?! YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT!

OZPiN 2.0! COME HERE AND HELP THESE TWO WHILE I SIT BACK AND WATCH WHILE DRINKING PEPSI!"

Ozpin 2.0 appears, smacks John, "fuck you too" and walks over.

Ruby, still being possessed, moans out, "WEEIIIISSSSSS" in which Ozpin 2.0 looks at. "It is definitely Weiss and first Ozpin. They're the only monsters who'd ship White Rose. MEN!" An army of Atlas Soldiers appear behind Ozpin 2.0, "TO ARMS! WE SHALL TAKE BACK THE RUBY! FOR LANCASTER! OOORAHHH!"

And with that, John, Jaune, and a tied up Ruby still being possessed, watched the army go to town and capturing White Rose shipping civilians and.. Then part of Vale blew up. "INCOMING!" An atlas soldier cried out before being taken by the White Rose army. "QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!" A Lancaster shipper yelled, throwing holy grenades at White Rose shippers, causing them to die instantly. "FUCK YOUUUU!" a Russian soviet yelled in the middle of battle, throwing bears at the white rose shippers..

Five days later.

The ruins of Vale were all that were seen with many White Rose shippers walking around. "Where is the Ruby? Queen Weiss and Sir Ozpin 1.0 demand we find them." An officer yelled.

Meanwhile, at John's secret soda stash.

"So, the fuck happened again? Oh right, you guys went into a war with White Rose and because they had a quantity of 20/1 compared to us, we lost? And the fact they had more supplies due to Atlas funding Weiss.. Well shit. I guess you can live here, I'll work on trying to fix Ruby. How I'll do it is snap my fingers and make her soul immune to corruption. Watch." snap.

"Oh shit.. Ozpin used some of his magic. I can't do shit to stop her from being corrupted. We'll just have to shield her and attempt to lower it. Anyways, I got some soda and food, a lot. Now, sit down and we'll start planning." John was in no mood for games, a dumbass made him work and now White Rose is taking over. His rants might have to go public soon and cause world-wide chaos. "Hold on, I got to do something." He snaps his fingers and Cinder appears with Tyrian. "Tyrian, Cinder. You're going to be our spies and power houses. We're going to take back Lancaster."

(Canon end for chapter)

* * *

(Alternate End, by Friend. Friend also said to use my ending as canon, so yeah. I'm fine!)

He turned to the two poor teens. "You still haven't answered my question, Ruby, is Jaune really good with his lower sword?"

Ruby blushed and Jaune finally shrieked. "WE DON'T HAVE TIME! SHE'S UNDER A SPELL THAT IS MAKING HER BEHAVE LIKE A WHITEROSE SHIPPER! GRANDMA SALEM TOO!"

John sighed. "Yes, I know, and we just destroyed Vale because of that. Had I had my magic at the moment I could repair it but it'll take some time. We don't have that time. But... there might be something I can do."

John froze, and his can of pepsi was crushed by his hand. He quickly popped a new one open. "Mmh... this is serious matters." He took a sip. Then another. "HA! I got this, just you wait!"

He then crushed 10 cans of pepsi and shaped them like Weiss Schnee, who had just returned to Vale to find Ruby, using some dog c** to paint it white. He wore gloves, of course. "Here it is! Jaune, go out and find Weiss and Ozpin! They will have Ruby's doll! Find it and I can remove the magic! Go now, my Paladin! Save Lancaster!" He grinned at the doll. "I knew I would've needed voodoo someday! First of all... kick!"

*with Weiss and Ozpin*

"Don't worry, Ms Schnee, you'll get a second chance," said Ozpin, turning to her. "Now we just have to-EEEEEEEEEKK!"

"I'm sorry, I can't control myself!" shrieked Weiss even as she continued to kick Ozpin in the nuts. "I...ship...I ship...W-W...W-W-W-W-...W-W-W-W-LANCASTER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Ozpin as his balls got annihilated once again.

Jaune chose that moment to activate his Semblance again. The giant Archangel stomped WhiteRose soldiers as it roared "Lancaster Reigns Supreme!" The Knight and the Angel slaughtered their way over to Weiss, following the sounds of Ozpin screaming, and snatched the precious dolls. They turn and... well, screw it, there's an army of angry WhiteRose shippers.

"But of course!" exclaimed Jaune, taking out Salem's doll. "Grandma! Help!"

Immediately Salem returned to normal and a horde of Grimm ran into the battle. Hell broke loose and Jaune was able to slip back to John's secret pepsi stash.

*At the pepsi stash*

"Here it is!" exclaimed Jaune, handing the doll of Ruby back to John.

John took it and took an empowering sip of pepsi before belching and disintegrating all the magic voodoo...except his own doll of Weiss, obviously.

Ruby was finally free again, and of course the two of them celebrated with... sweets!

*timeskip 10 seconds later*

Jaune and Ruby looked over at the destroyed Vale. Grimm were picking on the remaining civilians, but they were entranced by the rising sun. Time and again a Nevermore would obscure it temporarily but that just made it better. The two sighed dreamily and kissed before the rising sun.

*twenty meters behind them*

John popped open another can of pepsi and took a sip. "Lancaster Reigns Supreme."


	4. The End - Or Is It

Here's the finale. Well, of the shipping war. There might be a few more chaotic fanfictions that are sequels.

* * *

[Friend ]*What happened in the previous episodes*

WhiteRose vs Lancaster shipping war.

The WhiteRoses are many, but Lancaster holds the Flame of Truth.

The battle is harsh and with losses on both sides, but eventually the Lancasters are overrun and their generals take refuge in John's secret pepsi stash.

Cinder and Tyrian are knighted Paladins of Lancaster, and it will be their mission to go and find a way to restore the status quo

Now we cut back to the story:

*at John's secret pepsi stash*

[Friend] Cinder and Tyrian alike were knighted that very day, quickly and without ceremonies. They were both given a Pepsi of Power each and a Symbol of the True Faith to help them overcome their challenges. They set off immediately.

Ten minutes later, they were back to ask what their mission actually was.

"The plan is not simple, not complete, not smart and probably not going to work," began John, aka WeirdGuyOne. "I'll come out and say it: I have no fucken clue what you two should fucken do. Their cheap a** move was not something we expected, so they gained the advantage. We must strike at their very heart, or they will eventually find us even here."

"What do you suggest to do?" asked Jaune.

"SHUT UP!" screamed WeirdGuyOne. "You will kiss Ruby non-stop to keep her busy and try to fight off the taint of WhiteRose!"

Jaune jumped in fright and hurried to return to make out with Ruby. The crimsonette had first tried to push him away but then she had just accepted it. They had taken it as a sign the vile WhiteRose influence could be defeated, but they would still need to hurry.

"Cinder, Tyrian, you will go and murder Ozpin 1.0 to steal the dolls. Without them, Ruby will return to normal. I will then try to find a way to destroy the dolls without killing Ruby!" stated John.

"Yes, sir!"

"And you will murder anyone who tries to stop you!"

"Yes, sir!"

"And while you're at it, murder any WhiteRose shipper you find!"

"YES SIR!"

"THEN WHAT THE FUCKEN HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!"

"Yessir!"

*Attempt n1, sneaking in*

Cinder and Tyrian walked into the large building where Queen Weiss and Lord Ozpin 1.0 ruled the land.

Tyrian quickly killed the guards, crying a little as he couldn't torture them, and Cinder liquefied the front door.

Yes, they were SNEAKING in.

"Death to WhiteRose! Long live Lancaster!" they shouted as they charged into the building.

Weiss quickly took out Myrtenaster and charged at Tyrian. The scorpion Paladin of Lancaster merely watched as the blade bounced off his skin. "HA! Do you like my Semblance!? I am immune to weapons!"

"Wasn't ya Semblance fucken invisibility?!" shouted Cinder as she engaged Ozpin 1.0

"That was last time, I can change it! Look!" He held up the Symbol of the True Faith and glowed red and white for a second. "Ha! Now my Semblance is teleport!"

He teleported behind Weiss and kicked her out of a window. Cinder quickly sent Ozpin after her with another kick and they both turned to the thrones.

"F***, where are the dolls?!" screamed Tyrian. Instead, a timed bomb exploded, and Tyrian had to use his new teleporting Semblance to send them back to their headquarters. "Doesn't matter, next time we'll win!"

[Me]

John looked at Tyrian and shrugged. "You know, I think it's time for me to do something. But I'm too lazy, I'll just send Ozpin 2.0"

Ozpin 2.0 appears annoyed, "I had to buy about 400 fucking windows just because you decided to smash every one you saw and made an excuse that they were looking at you funny when you were making weird faces." John just shrugged. "Put it on my tab." Ozpin facepalmed, "There is no Vale. There is no tab. Beacon Academy is currently under siege and I put the now cured Salem and her army over there. We will be overrun." John looked at Ozpin 2.0 seriously, "Well shit. Tyrian, Cinder, change of plans. We're bringing out the Branwen twins. The situation has escalated."

He snaps his fingers like Thanos but it summons Raven and Qrow. They start spinning after Qrow's bad luck makes part of John's pepsi stash fall on them. And by part, I meant 300 cans. Which is 1% of the stash. John looks at his cans with a depressed look. "NOO! MY PEPSI! YOU MONSTER!" And with that, he changes Qrow's semblance to something better. 'Erectile Dysfunction'

I'm just kidding. He changes Qrow's semblance to something better! The Way Of Memes. "Now, Raven, your semblance is fucking weak. I'm giving you a better teleportation semblance. Quantum Teleportation! And uh, Hazel is going to distract some people." John snaps his fingers, Hazel appears, and his semblance is finally truly revealed because not feeling pain is a medical condition, a rare one at that. "Now, Hazel, your semblance shall be Gamma Radiation Generator in which you turn into the hulk but stronger because you can inflict dust into yourself with that medical condition and the radiation would make the dust super-powerful. So, like, here's some ice dust, fire dust, gravity dust, and earth dust. No, lightning dust would kill you. I did the calculations and had a test subject."

John explains too quick for everyone to process, handing Hazel the dust, and then teleporting Hazel with the dust affecting him and his passive gamma radiation turning him larger with extra powerful effects. He has become the RWBY Hulk. And then John teleports Tyrian, Cinder, Raven, and Qrow to a location that might be the throne in Atlas.

He looks at Ozpin 2.0, "it's time to take back Vale." And then walks off, spawning a cane in his hand, drinks his regular pepsi, and teleports outside in between a hundred White Fang who ship White Rose. Hazel is currently at Mistral, a city taken over by White Rose shippers, taking out the armies of White Rose shippers. Back at Vale, hundreds of White Fang are on the floor, incredibly injured. Adam, who was given magic powers by Ozpin 1.0, is currently battling John who is using a gun firing pepsi cans at Adam.

The War Escalates.

[Friend] Let's see what happens in each city.

*Vacuo*

Ozpin 2.0 sips a cool drink on the beaches of Vacuo. "No WhiteRose here," he stated calmly, deciding to be a d*** to John since John was always a d*** to him. "Just Bumblebee shippers who are murdering BlackSun shippers. My job is done."

*Mistral*

"Who the f*** has that much Aura?!" was a WhiteRose's last words before Hazel stomped her into a fine red pastry.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOODBATH! SKULLS FOR THE SKULLTHRONE! THE TANK OF LANCASTER HAS ARRIVED, HERETICS! COWER AND FLEE BEFORE MY MIGHT!"

"The guy's a mountain!" shrieked a soldier before a punch sent him flying.

"THE TRUE SHIP WILL RULE OVER REMNANT!" Hazel thundered. "SURRENDER IS NOT AMONG YOUR OPTIONS! FIGHT AND DIE OR FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! THE WHITEROSE SHALL WILT!"

Somewhere in Vale, the ghost of Summer Rose felt the urge to roll her ghostly eyes and make a ghostly sarcastic remark.

*Atlas*

"Sis, incoming another pile of garbage!" Qrow shouted as the umpteenth Schnee Mecha charged at them.

Raven sighed in annoyance before teleporting 100 times, each time delivering a devastating slash at the robot. After she landed, behind her the robot fell to many tiny pieces. "Thanks, but shouldn't the Grimm be backing us up? Isn't Salem with us?"

"She's being controlled!" shrieked Tyrian as he gutten a civilian. The poor civilian was a Monochrome, not a WhiteRose, but Tyrian was merciless. "Our beloved goddess is being controlled! I won't stand for this! AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

His hair turned yellow and spiky. Everyone looked at Cinder.

She sighed. "At the moment, his Semblance is Power Increase," she explained wearily and Tyrian created a ball of blue energy in his hands. "He just went Super Sayan."

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

*Menagerie*

"Remind me again, why are we fighting here?" asked Yang.

"Dunno, I just know we're here and there are WhiteRose shippers to gut," shrugged Blake.

"But... but..." cried Pyrrha. "But Jaune... he... I..."

"You'll find another man," wisely replied Ren, patting her back.

"Look! CRDL is among the WhiteRose! We can break their legs!" shouted Nora.

Ren's eyes darkened immediately, and he spoke with a creepy and eerie voice. "Amakh nitler Garwou rvunasaka xochcir nahekur vvvvvvVVVVVOWIEJAKU!"

Everyone looked at him while Nora explained. "When he's angry he makes strange noises. Don't ask."

*Vale*

"You stand defeated!" shouted Adam Taurus before the downed form of John. In the back, Jaune desperately wanted to help but he couldn't stop kissing Ruby or she'd fall back in the voodoo enhancement, and he couldn't allow that to happen.

"Actually, I lay defeated, you're the one to stand," snarked John before standing back up without a scratch. "F***, I need a pepsi." Immediately, a can of pepsi appeared in his hand and he took a long sip.

"State your loyalty to the WhiteRose and you shall live!" exclaimed Ozpin 1.0 appearing out of nowhere. "Or remain a dirty Lancaster and die!"

"Hey, what Jaune and Ruby decide to do in bed is not my fault!" exclaimed John. "I'm not dirty!"

"You think you're so smart!?" screamed Weiss Schnee, appearing beside Ozpin. "Adam, kill him!"

"Grbl..."

Everyone look at Adam, only to find him suspended in the air with a purple glow around him. Goodwitch walked in from a door. Of the building, only the door remained, but she still managed to make it look cool. "D-, Taurus, you need to study more," she stated, much to the Bull's despair. "WhiteRose heretics, have you forgotten about us?"

Immediately, 5 more people entered the room.

"For Lancaster!" shouted Port.

"For Lancaster and science!" echoed Oobleck.

"I just want to see my little rose lose her virginity and give me grandbabies!" exclaimed Summer, extremely irritated.

"And I can't stand the Schnee b***!" added Peach, both ghosts glaring at Weiss.

"KILL WHITEROSE WITH FIRE!" shouted Ironwood, royally pissed off.

The final Battle of the Voodoo War had begun.

[Me] John looked at the viewing wall. "It's time for the war!" Before laughing like a maniac, snapping his fingers, reviving Peach and Summer.

Adam looked to John, "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE DONE!? YOU JUST BENDED TIME AND NOW IT'S CAUSING PARADOXES!" John looked at Adam, before stating, "how the fuck do you even have a brain to tell what time is? The fuck? i thought you rushed head first like a bull."

Now, with Hazel. Currently, thousands of White Rose shippers lay dead. Hazel found Tyrian, Cinder, Raven, and Qrow at some point and they took out thousands of White Rose supporters. They captured some forcefully corrupted supporters and changed them to the Lancaster army with a seal of approval. Though, at some point, some Lancaster officers were disappearing, with the Red Army from the Soviet Union fighting with Lancaster.

With Ozpin 2.0, a few White Rose shippers ran to Vacuo. He went to destroy them, but they captured him somehow. "Good. Now, there's something to do. Weiss is being an idiot and fighting John with Ozpin 1.0. John is technically impossible to beat due to him not truly being from here and mostly a comic relief. Vale is currently being rebuilt with most of the Lancaster forces, and there have been too many losses on both of our sides. Winter, Jacques. I want you two to come with me. And if you love Qrow, Winter, drop it. I don't want to have blind fools on the White Rose side. We were never pawns like those above us thought we were. The true pawns are the ones who needlessly die." Ozpin 2.0, who was hearing this being planned, was then knocked back to unconsciousness. His last thought was, "Who the hell was that?"

Back in Vale, Glynda is throwing Ozpin the fuck around. He landed a few successful hits, knocking Glynda to the orange level in aura, so she's not faring well. It seems that Ozpin finally decided to use his previous incarnations and is spawning more of him in Astral forms. They are attacking with much more force, and the only reason Glynda hasn't gone down is because of her telekinesis keeping them at bay. She decides to call for back-up. Cinder and Tyrian both appear with Tyrian with his teleportation semblance. "Got your call, so, we're gonna kill this dumbass wizard?" Glynda nodded to Tyrian, and Cinder threw maiden fire at Ozpin. Ozpin just used his magic to make it disappear. He practically teleported to Tyrian to attack, but a stinger hooked around the cane, allowing Ozpin to get struck by enforced fire due to the maiden powers and telekinesis. Then, a blackhole made Ozpin get stuck to the floor by Glynda. Glynda is using all her energy with Cinder helping.

Tyrian changed back to Super Saiyan and charged. Ozpin struggled against his bonds as Cinder both helped Glynda and kept the Astral Ozpins from attacking. Tyrian then yelled, "KAMEHAMEHA!" and vaporized Ozpin 1.0. The three collapsed in exhaustion as all the Ozpin projections disappear and faded. Tyrian used his special pepsi to make two semblances, soul destruction and super saiyan. Ozpin isn't coming back.

Summer, who was fighting a dozen Weiss Schnees, was getting angry. Peach, the weakest link, got turned to a statue after bombing a hundred Schnees, and Summer was great friends with Peach during ghosts, and Summer wants to be alive when her daughter loses her virginity. And Peach can't even become a ghost due to being a statue. Every second, a few Weiss Schnees get decapitated by Summer. Port, who is doing much better than everyone else somehow, is using his semblance. The manly Mustaches. Mustaches are being thrown everywhere, cutting any Weiss that touches one in half, and protecting allies. Oobleck, who's doing as well as Summer, is dashing around the Weiss's, distracting them. Ironwood is facing the original Weiss Schnee and about 40 other Weiss Schnees nearby. She gets a lucky hit, cutting off Ironwood's good arm. That's when a silver light shined through. Half of the Weiss Schnees alive were decapitated. The Original was knocked unconscious afterwards, but the summons still existed. They fought to protect Weiss, but it was for nothing.

Summer, who was so angry, destroyed them all and captured Weiss. She threw Weiss to Oobleck who yelled, "BATTERS UP!" and WHACKED. Weiss's body went to the stars. "AND DONT COME BACK YOU COLD-HEARTED BITCH!"

Adam was enraged, and because Glynda was distracted with Ozpin, he went to attack. Weiss took on the others while spawning more of herself with glyphs, a 500:4 ratio. Though, they're getting destroyed. Odd. Adam, who was out of Glynda's telekinetic grasp, dashed to John at the speed of sound. John calmly sidestepped, grabbed Adam's arm, and twisted. "I gotta HAND it to ya, you're gonna be more than disarmed. It'll be a twist." John said, annoying Adam further with terrible jokes.

"Even I hate my jokes, but I gotta say, this arm is tearible." And with that, John YANKED. Adam's entire arm was dislodged, and then John started bitch smacking Adam with his own arm. "Why ya hittin yourself? Anyways, this is for ruining my god damn cane! MY PRIDE AND JOY SECOND TO PEPSI!" And with that, the sky darkened. Everyone looked to John, stopping their fighting, seeing him pull a book out of his jacket. When Adam and the White Rose legions saw the title, they all grew fearful expressions.

So did everyone else.

John snapped his fingers, teleporting every white Rose nearby him and had them locked in randomly appearing cells while teleporting the Lancaster armies to the polar opposite on Remnant of John's location. Ruby and Jaune were still making out in during this time, and John got a few pictures. He smiled as he showed them to White Rose, making them flinch. Before going to his book and opening it, showing the title to the White Rose army. They all grew even more fearful. "No, ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!" they yelled.

The book was titled FNAF Smut Fan Fictions.

And he had an extra book titled The Bee Movie Script.

Then, he started reading.

Four hours later.

The White Rose Army lay defeated as John shut the books. The army was knocked to comas from cringe, but there were a few deaths from boredom. The unlucky few to be put into a year long coma heard both, the FNAF smut fanfictions and the Bee Movie script. He once again snapped his fingers, the Lancaster army appearing. Ruby was back to normal due to the sheer boredom of the Bee Movie Script removing everything that used voodoo currently. Summer, who was in corporeal form, looked to Ruby.

"So, when can I expect you to lose your virginity? Or did you already? If so, tell me how it went."

And thus, the Shipping War ended.

The screen panned out to show John's cane broken into shards. A clean cut in the middle of the section along with a scythe blade gleaming. It showed a person sitting at the edge of Beacon cliff. They snapped their fingers, making two dots appear behind them.

The screen zoomed in on a soda that was colored gray.

Then the screen darkened.


	5. Astral War - The Continuation

**Introduction to Astral War.**

 **Astral War is the direct sequel, it used to be a story on it's own but I decided 4 chapters is too short of a story. Yes, I dislike short as fuck stories that are either too funny or too chaotic because chaos and humor are the best things ever.**

 **Now, some might wonder who my friend is. His name starts with a K. Well, his fanfiction username does. That narrows it down slightly. So yeah! HAVE FUN!**

[Me] A man walks with a cane in his hand to the base. Nearby, a spectacled man stands. "Hello. It's time we get down to business. Meet Winter and Jacques, but I assume you know them already. Now, John is such an idiotic fool. Drinking Pepsi? What a disgrace." The man says, gesturing to two people in white clothes at a table. One, the male, is fucking a faunus servant. The other, the female, is looking dreamily at her scroll. On the scroll is a man with a scythe transforming to a sword.

"We have a bit of a need for you, Professor. Don't let us down." And with that, the scene changed to John who was hosting a dodgeball tournament in Beacon.

And he's the champion so far. He always gives his enemies a few hundred dodgeballs. Something sad to note was that team RWBY no longer has Weiss, but instead the W is now a guy named Ashton Stein Ralph. His middle name is Ralph, but he's nicknamed "Will" and uses Will as his usual name. He's able to manipulate spirits around him while sending off Astral Projections using spirits. A power similar to Ozpin except it's not Will's soul.

[friend] *scene changes to after the dodgeball tournament*

The mysterious man, not John, stood at the edge of Beacon's cliffs. An Ursa Major tried to swipe at him but the man merely threw a Coke at him. The can exploded and the Ursa died in horrible agony. "Ahh... it's so good to see them suffer," commented the man, conjuring another Coke.

Beside him stood four other people.

On his right there was Winter Schnee. She was an ex-Specialist of Atlas, who had accepted to work for him in exchange for a love potion that would finally make Qrow accept the fact that having wild sex with someone half his age wasn't something bad. She was strong in combat but not nearly enough to make her useful. Instead, she would use her power and influence in the military.

At Winter's right there was Jacques Schnee, her father. The man was currently screwing a Faunus servant. That curious habit of his had developed after he had seen his wife screwing a Faunus. She had explained the infidelity with "fuckin' a Faunus is ten times better than fuckin' you" so he had started to screw his own Faunus servants, finding out that she was indeed right. He decided to work for the mysterious Coke man because he was promised that he'd received all female Faunus of Menagerie if he funded their operation.

On the man's left there was Professor Ozpin, former Headmaster of Beacon Academy. The man had died and his soul had been destroyed, but the mystery man had captured and corrupted Ozpin 2.0, a clone of the original Ozpin created by John, aka WeirdGuyOne. The Coke man had offered him vengeance and Ozpin had accepted to work for them.

And finally, at Ozpin's left there was Weiss Schnee. The Coke man had to retrieve her from Cignus X-1, where Oobleck had sent her, and she had immediately agreed to help them at one condition: that she'd get to have Ruby Rose all by herself. Maybe she'd keep Jaune Arc as her servant, forcing him to helplessly watch as she screwed the redhead, but Rose alone would've been enough. Given her previous experience as villain, she was a useful addition to the Bad Guys.

And finally, in the middle stood the mysterious Coke man, whose name was yet to be revealed. They all called him EvilGuyOne. The only things they knew about him were that he loved Coke, had a secret stash of Coke somewhere, hated John aka WeirdGuyOne, and shipped any ship other than Lancaster. Especially he loved abusive ships, toxic ships, non-consensual ships, forced ships and r*pe ships. His plan was simple... but it won't yet be revealed.

[Me] Elsewhere, Will sensed a disturbance in the force.

He just shrugged it off and didn't mind because it was a weird feeling.

John, who's been destroying everyone in dodgeball by evading the dodgeballs and then either countering by hooking the dodgeball with his cane handle after he fixed it or kicking the ball back. Summer Rose, Ruby Rose, and Jaune Arc were no where to be found.

With Jaune Arc and Ruby Rose

Ruby Rose is currently fucking Jaune Arc by going at the speed of light and having sex. What they don't know is Ruby's mother, Summer Rose, is recording.

"I finally got to see my little Rose lose her virginity.." Summer whispered. Before the chapter ends.


	6. Astral War Part II

[Me] John is walking next to an army of soldiers. "Alright. This is the Lancaster army, not even Sable and Spider-Man combined can take down a fourth of them!" He exclaims, before looking at a video on pornhub from an account labeled, "Cloaked Huntress" where it showed a blonde boy and what looks like little red riding hood having sex.

"Oh. Summer Rose got to record her daughter and Jaune losing their virginities?" A voice asked, where John looked to a soldier. John nodded with starstruck eyes. "We're going to tease them, right?" That's when part of a building exploded and Taiyang appeared. "Oh shit. It's Tai! ARMY, DEFEND THE ARC HEIR!" John yelled, and his soldiers charged at Tai firing stun shots. Tai, too enraged to feel them, starting knocking soldiers out. "I'M HERE TO KILL A BLONDE!" Taiyang yelled.

Jaune, who was in a room with Summer and Ruby heard that and Summer gasped. "Uh oh.. I didn't know he watched porn." Ruby and Jaune looked at Summer questioningly. "I may or may not have recorded a porn video of you two having sex." That's when the door opened and John was blocking Taiyang's swings and countering effectively. "SUMMER, CALM YOUR HUSBAND. THIS FUCKER IS MAKING LANCASTER NO LONGER EXIST, WE MUST STOP HIM!"

[Friend]Summer moved to stop him, but she couldn't even take a single step that ANOTHER part of the building exploded, Yang Xiao Long striding in with enraged eyes. "ARC!"

Behind her calmly strolled Qrow, who just raised his flask at Jaune. "Gotta say, kid, you know how to please a woman." He burped and looked at both his niece and brother-in-law. "As for you two... are you going to stop if I tell you to stop?"

"NO!"

"Then you leave me no other choice..." sighed Qrow before tossing his flask aside. Tyrian teleported himself beside the drunk and the two began a stupid-looking little dance before a strong white light enveloped them. "Super Sayan Fusion!"

"What the f*** are they doing?!" shouted Taiyang. Yang wasn't so shocked and tried to attack Jaune nonetheless, but something happened.

Jaune looked at her for a second before mumbling. "If you kill me, I can no longer be with Ruby. If I am not with Ruby, we can't have sex again. That p*** me off almost as much as losing Ruby. So..." Another flash of light, this time kinda pinkish, lit up around the two lovers, forcing Yang to step back. "Super Lancaster Fusion!"

Jaune reappeared, albeit a little shorter. His left eye was silver while his right one was blue, and his hair were strawberry-coloured. Behind him... her... them? Them it is. Behind them Jaune's Semblance activated, although the giant Archangel was now pinkish as well, and super fast. "LANCASTER SHALL NOT BE STOPPED!" the angel roared as it lifted its sword.

Meanwhile, Taiyang was sweat-dropping at the scene before him. The fusion of the two kinda thin men -Qrow and Tyrian- was a super-muscled giant with golden hair and a greenish Aura. "KAKAROT!" the giant shouted, launching a super punch at Taiyang.

John looked at them before conjuring a pepsi and offering it to Summer. "Pepsi?"

[Me]Summer, used to John's weirdness, accepted. "Time to see if this is hyp-" Summer couldn't finish before Yang hit the wall beside her, unconscious. Oh, and with three broken bones. Then Tyrian landed beside them. Qrow and Taiyang were both brawling in front of them. John just looked at the scene drinking his soda.

Summer followed his example, when Qrow was knocked out as well. That's when the Lancaster fusion appeared in front of Taiyang and knocked his ass out. Ruby and Jaune unfused. "Huh. That was eventful." John said, before the screen panned out to show a Coke sign that then enveloped the screen.

The screen changed to another room with Ozpin 2.0 who was recording the entire thing on an old camera. "This shitty ass film better be worth it.. It took five fucking dollars and I'm a stingy bastard!" He yelled, before sipping coffee. "This is better than pepsi will ever be. Heck, even coke tastes better than that shitty ass drink. Who the fuck invented Pepsi?"

A dead man appeared only to get erased by Ozpin 2.0. "Fuck you!" He yelled into the darkness where the spirit used to be. "Oh well. Time to do some weird shit known as 'voodoo' and now.. ABRA CADABRA!" A man appeared in the center.. Wait, not a man. It was a woman with long hair and a nevermore mask. It was Raven Branwen. Fun fact about Raven is that she honestly hates the Arcs and that's why she's going to murder Jaune and anger both, her now nemesis Summer Rose and her daughter, Ruby Rose, along with the Arc Household.

"Now, Raven.. ATTACK!" Ozpin 2.0 shouted.

Raven Branwen portaled to Qrow and dashed to Jaune, slashing. John appeared in the way, blocking her strike with a pespi can. "Oh, it's the mom of the year. Raven brand bitch! SHE SUPPORTS COKE.. I know because I saw her take one from a village and actually enjoyed it! FUCKING TRAITOOORR!" John yelled before falcon punching Raven back through her own portal. Raven portaled back and somehow knocked John out using a lightning strike punch hitting his pepsi can and shocking him to unconsciousness.

And John's unconscious body disappeared to his Pepsi cellar which is incapable of being touched except by him. It's even more secretive than his pepsi stash. Only he knows where it is. And that's where we go back to Raven.

Summer's eyes widened, "RAE!" Only to get slashed and fire punched to a wall.

[Friend] Raven stepped AGAIN through her portal, her mask now broken by John's falcon punch. She smirked as she looked at Jaune and Ruby, both still exhausted from the fusion. Heck, that thing was as exhausting as screwing each other! She raised her sword and brought it down on the no-more-innocent Ruby, but a green blur moved her out of the way and Raven found herself slashing concrete.

Turning around, she saw Oobleck returning Ruby to Jaune. "Don't worry, Mr Arc, Ms R... Mrs Arc, I guess? Anyway, do not worry. We have this."

"We?" repeated Raven.

"F*** you, you were my worst student EVER!" shouted Port as he slashed at her with his axe, sending her back into the portal. "James, get your cyborg butt here this instant! They are trying to attack our OTP!"

Raven was seething as she walked back to the battle, but this time she found herself facing Ironwood, Summer's unconscious body being possessed by Professor Peach's ghost, Port and Oobleck all ready to fight and kick her butt seven ways to Oum.

"You think you can defeat me?!" she shouted, using her Maiden's Powers to incinerate them all. But nothing happened. "W**?!"

"You idiot, you're not a maiden so you can't be a Maiden either! Ha! Screwing screwed you over!" grinned Ironwood while the others just looked surprised. "By the way, we woke Ms Xiao Long up so she could say hi."

"HI MOM, WANNA HAVE A FAMILY REUNION?!" shouted an enraged Yang, punching Raven through her own portal once again.

'This is getting old,' thought the woman as she walked back into the room. "What can you do against me?! I am a villain so I am undefeatable!"

"No one is undefeatable!" replied Jaune. "But I don't want to kill you if we don't have to. I'll just challenge you at a dancing competition! Renora fans will be the jury so there won't be bias."

Raven smirked, not knowing of Jaune's legendary dancing skills. "Fine!"

"And don't try to kill me while I'm dancing, because..." he ominously trailed off as he pointed his index to the sky, and Raven realized she'd forgotten Jaune's Semblance and the giant angry-looking Archangel that seemed eager to stomp her into a fine paste. She wasn't as eager. "Let the competition begin!"

*after the competition*

In her tent, a completely humiliated Raven was crying into a pillow, Vernal asking her what was wrong. "How could I be on fourth place in a two-people competition?!" she sobbed. "Was I that bad?!"

[me]

John appeared next to her. "No, Jaune was just that good."

Raven had to admit, Jaune was better than Ohm at dancing. He was a legendary dancer, capable of dancing so good, gods bend to his power. And Ruby wanted to have a go at Jaune after the dancing, but she was too exhausted. So Summer just threw them onto a bed and turned out the lights.

Meanwhile, at Oscorp - I mean Atlas.

Spider-man was dashing up a building- Wait... That's at Oscorp.. Which is IN this realm's Atlas yet not technically a crossover.. And this Spider-Man is no other than.. What? Professor Peach?! No wonder it's not a crossover, Peach is dead!

Oh. That's why we're going to Atlas.. And now we cut to Penny.

Penny was watching Ruby and Jaune fuck like rabbits through an internet scan. "Friend Ruby is doing what..?" Penny searches and finds sexual intercourse. She gets hot while watching the Lancaster duo fuck like rabbits and starts masturbating.

That's as far as we can go during this session because lemon scenes are not my forte and I frankly do not want to write one.

So, now we're going to Hazel. Hazel was currently beatboxing, being the most legendary beat-boxer on Remnant at the moment. His hidden talent at beatboxing was founded when Tyrian asked him to beatbox while Tyrian spit out heavy bars during a rap battle. Yes, Tyrian is now the rapper Scorpio. He's so good at rapping, the people who challenge him go unconscious after he starts rapping.

His flow is so majestic, but it's venomous like his toxin in his tail. He once rap battled Eminem and ended up losing by a single point. Eminem is the rap god, but Tyrian is the demigod of rap. He's #2 and has so many fans.. Just don't search 'Scorpio and insane fans' or you'll see a few fans who ask if his tail can give them an orgasm. He knew not to try them, he may be crazy, but he's not that crazy.

Hazel, also the strongest man alive, also wants to challenge Jaune's Archangel. Which Jaune accepted to. They are currently arm wrestling, in which Hazel is winning with his power. Yes, he has to go Hulk Smash to even budge Archangel, and Archangel isn't strong enough to push back. Hazel is winning slowly before Jaune pushes 30% more of his aura into Archangel and.. RIP Hazel. "HAZEL HAS LOST, I REPEAT, HAZEL HAS LOST!" John said, supervising the match with his lovely soviet Russian accent.

[Friend]Jaune's Archangel dusted itself off with a super-satisfied grin on its not-so-angelic face and offered a hand to Hazel, who was currently trying to get himself together. Quite literally. The two giants pat each other on the back so strong that the ground shakes.

Also, Jaune and Ruby finally stop screwing each other silly and realize that SUMMER IS STILL RECORDING! Did that woman even know the meaning of "privacy"?

"Of course I do," she scoffed. "It's something people would like to have and, when it comes to my little rose's sexual life, I can freely break."

Okay Summer, she doesn't even know what's Writer Privacy or Fourth Wall. Let's leave her there.

"Hey Jaune?"

"Yes Ruby?"

Ruby fidgeted a little, still red from the exertion in bed. "I've heard they've opened a new bakery in New Vale..." After the total destruction of the Shipping War, Vale had been rebuilt anew and renamed appropriately. "Wanna try it out? Grandma Salem said she'd buy us some sweets!"

"Sure," smiled Jaune. "Let's go."


	7. Astral War Part III

[Me]Pain. Something that all feel at one point. Hazel felt it even with his medical disorder that makes him incapable of feeling it. How did he feel it? He felt it when he was first born, but he doesn't truly remember it.

There's something distinctly different from pain and fear. Pain causes morbid curiosity or can lead to fear. Fear causes hesitation. Hesitation causes panic. Panic causes death.

That's something that he knows very well. Fear, that is.. It's why he hides his fear to hide his hesitation. He was a mercenary, a gun for hire. Recently, he's been working for Roman Torchwick. Roman has a boss that was much more deadly than that old fool, Merlot. Merlot died a while ago due to a job from a very suspicious person who went by the codename 'WGO' which was honestly odd.

Now, he has a job to do. Seek the second Ozpin, the one who went missing a day ago.

Roman Torchwick was paying quite nicely, saying that a guy named 'John' was paying him a lot of money just to find the second Wizard. This gun for hire's full name was Adrian Marks.

[Friend] *New Vale's crypts*

Adrian Marks was a mercenary who, at the moment, was thoroughly engrossed by a porn video he had found on Pornant. Seriously, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had always thought Little Red Riding Hood to be a tale for children, not a pornstar in hardc-re videos. And there it was, a video of Little Red Riding Hood, STILL WEARING THE HOOD, screwing the lights out of a blond boy. The author of the video, some CloakedHuntress lass, had put the caption "My daughter losing her virginity for the eighth time today."

"Who the fuck even screws that much?!" exclaimed Adrian. "Those two must have the stamina of a monster!"

He shook his head. "Screw this, it's not stopping my miss-wait a fucking second!" He immediately took out his Scroll again. "There's another one! I have to see it!" He took out a fucking giant shotgun and destroyed the few zombies that had gathered around him to see. "Fuck you, die! This is for me only!"

*at New Vale's bakery*

"How is this place called again?" asked Ruby.

"Mazinga Bakery, I think the owners are the same from Goldrake Bakery," replied Jaune as he popped a sweet in his mouth. "Where do you want to go next?"

"Mmmhhh... maybe the crypts?" offered the girl. "I mean... they might be interesting..."

*in the crypts*

"JAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUNNNNNEEEEE"

Adrian pocketed his Scroll and nodded. "Perfect, now I'm up to date with those videos," he said satisfied, rubbing his hands together. "Now I just gotta find Ozpin. Torchwick said the bastard was dead so he must be somewhere around here..."

"Ehm... just who are you?" asked a voice behind him. He recognized it immediately, from the videos. Those things had gotten popular, with over ten millions likes and nine millions views. He didn't know how that was possible, though.

He turned around immediately. "Wait a fucking second!" he exclaimed. "You are the Knight and you are Little Red Riding Hood! From the porn videos!" he said, pointing at the two teens. "Fuck, you're still children and you fuck like rabbits! I want your autograph!"

"Ehm... we are lost, could you help us get out of here?" asked Red.

"Of course I can, but at a price!" he exclaimed. "I want to witness you two going at it myself! I've watched all your videos, I'm your greatest fan!"

A zombie nearby immediately got up with practice ease, and took out a camera. "Then I'm recording," it said calmly.

Jaune and Ruby exchanged a glance and shrugged. They weren't voyeuristic but it wasn't like they gave a damn about others when they had each other. Using her superspeed, Ruby immediately tackled Jaune to the ground.

[Me]*Time Skip, 4 hours later.*

The zombie, who was recording, looked at the film and started editing. It was known as the Professional FilmMaker Zombie. Capable of making youtube videos with ease that everyone enjoys. What Ruby and Jaune don't realize is that this had the unfortunate side-effect of having even John find the videos.. And that guy is as culturally inept as Ruby was socially awkward. He didn't even know current problems until three days later after they're over! Oh, and the porno having as many views as a pewdiepie video when Felix ran the show. The view count of Felix's most popular video, basically.

Yeah, and that wasn't including re-watches for more masturbation material. It was so hot and so well-edited, it made front page in news immediately. If you didn't know about it, you literally lived so isolated from people that you probably lived in a grave. Actually, no, scratch that. Away from the planet! Anyone on Remnant should know it, all the ghosts do!

And that is why John appeared twenty minutes later in front of Adrian.

Scaring the absolute shit out of him. "AH FUCK, WHAT THE SHIT! WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY?!" Adrian yelled, cursing out. There were many reasons to why the hell, too. Such as John somehow looking like a crazed lunatic.. Almost like, "WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY PEPSI!?" Oh. That's why, uh.. NARRATOR OUT! *Ninja vanish*

"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, NARRATOR!" NO NO HELP ME I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT, YOU STEAL HIS SODA AND YOU GET BLENDED FASTER THAN A MAGIC BLENDER ON THE STRONGEST SETTING WITH THE POWER OF A PLANET!

OKAY STOP I'LL NARRATE! "Good." John said with such a calm voice, you could barely feel the aura of death that it brought. Yes, he's that good at masking his killing intent.. Somehow.

"Now, who stole my Pepsi?!" Adrian, who was watching John chase an 'invisible' entity, was looking at John like he was crazy. Ruby and Jaune, who just followed Adrian after hearing him scream profanities and hearing the unmistakable voice of John on a bad day, looked at him with fearful expressions. "Someone stole his soda.. No one does that unless they want their spine ripped off.." Ruby explained very slowly. John looked around then vanished after saying, "I'm hiring whoever made your porno so I can make great pepsi advertisements!"

The duo looked back towards the zombie, who had a note in his hand. He was reading calmly, but there was such an eagerness in his movements. "I CAN FINALLY DO MY DREAM JOB! I CAN BECOME A YOUTUBER! John said so, at least.. WITHOUT BEING JUDGED!" The zombie suddenly shouted before going at speeds of Sonic from One Punch Man. Which isn't that fast, but really fast for a zombie.

Adrian, who decided to get back to his job- "Shit. It's time to be a professional."

He pulled out his kunai and threw it at the ceiling. What you didn't see was the very thin but strong string that was in his hands and connected to the end of the kunai. He yanked before kicking off the rock he was on with aura, and then swinging across the room and bashing an entire wall of the crypt down. Physics would normally act up and cause the crypt to collapse, but he made a deal with physics somehow with his semblance, Contractual Binding. He wouldn't mess with time itself and physics wouldn't give a shit about what he did.

Such a useful contract, to be fair. It's allowed him to literally walk on water and be called Jesus.. By a strange robed man who was molesting children. Adrian was disgusted so much, he used his revolver and natural quickdraw. This caused the man's body to be vaporized to dust.. By dust.

Ironic.

[Friend]ack with the villains*

The almost totality of the Schnee family was reunited to discuss about something VERY important. They had managed to somehow have Whitley be accepted into Beacon. They had asked for Team RWBY to be reunited and Whitley to be assigned as Ruby's partner, but someone had denied their request. The signature was WGO, and they didn't know it, but it was the same one who had hired Adrian Marks to kill the fucker Merlot. So they had to content themselves with having pushed Whitley into a team called Team FWCK.

He wasn't team leader and that pissed him off, but he couldn't do anything about it.

Team FWCK was actually a mix. Flynt Coal was the leader, a Lancaster hater who would've gladly separated the cute couple. He and his partner had been expelled from Team FNKY for such a blasphemy. Then there was the sucker Whitley Schnee. Third was Cardin Winchester, a racist student of Beacon who expressed interesting in screwing Ruby after seeing the porn videos. And last was Neon Katts, a Faunus... cat, maybe? Whatever. A hyperactive girl who had her eyes on Jaune and hated Ruby for being able to screw him.

So yeah, Team FWCK was pretty much Lancaster's worst enemies pushed together.

The Schnees were discussing the last details before sending Whitley to Beacon. For once, Jacques wasn't fucking a Faunus servant, sure that even he could last fifteen minutes without it. He had published porn videos too but his had gotten only dislikes so he was jealous of the Lancaster duo and wanted to make them pay.

"We are here reunited today to discuss of a very important matter," he stated, slamming his hand on the table. "The Shipping War must end with the final victory of WhiteRose!"

"Question!" exclaimed Whitley. "If we win, should all Schnees share Rose? We are all white-themed!"

"Motion denied!" replied Winter. "I only want to fuck Qrow!"

"And I have no interest in human girls. If she had been a Faunus, that would've been different. But hurry because I need an orgasm soon, dammit!"

"The plan is clear," stated Weiss. "Whitley will *offer* his team the help of the Schnee Dust Company. Your goal is to bring Blake Belladonna on our side by offering her Schnee Dust-powered sex toys. Being the pervert she is she will accept, and then you shall use her to strike right at the heart of our enemies: separate Lancaster!"

"KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Everyone was startled as a wall exploded and Adrian Marks flew into the room. "Hey fuckers, have you fucking seen that Ozpin fucker around?! I've been fucking searching for that fucking headmaster for three fucking hours now! I fucking want to watch that fucking new pornovideo! FUUUUUUCK!"

He destroyed another wall and flew out of it. As soon as he did, the whole building collapsed since Physics only didn't matter when he was in there. The Schnees were still all alive, but they couldn't check out the latest Lancaster pornovideo by CloakedHuntres...

FUCK! Summer was possessing the Professional FilmMaker Zombie! She got the video and is currently the most famous porno author of the whole Pornant site! She has more favourites and follows that Remnant has inhabitants! Even animals fav and follow it!

*with Jaune and Ruby*

The Lancaster duo wasn't, as expected, fucking each other's lights out. They were in Beacon's training arena. Jaune had gotten Ruby's skill and speed by fucking her (genetics are weird) and Ruby had gotten Jaune's strength and stamina (that's how she could keep up with him in bed). Both of them walked a bit weirdly, limping heavily, but they were absolutely slaughtering all the training drones in the arena. All of them were shaped like Weiss Schnee.

But suddenly... the new team, Team FWCK, entered the arena.

[Me]Adrian appeared before team FWCK. "I saw you at that one thing.. Now, tell me white haired degenerate! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WIZARD?!" Whitley scrambled back in shock, gawking at how fast Adrian appeared to be.. Before Adrian's eye twinkled. "Oh right.. Why didn't I ask you? Shut the fuck up you piece of shit! No, I'm not a dumbass! I'm a smart cookie! Fuck you too, Aether!"

Before anyone could question who the hell he was apparently talking to, he snapped his fingers and space itself distorted around him roughly. "Fuck that's painful!" Adrian yelled before being forcefully ripped from dimensions to where Ozpin 2.0 was hiding. In his safe room.. Drinking hot cocoa. When Adrian popped out of nowhere with shattered ribs, Ozpin was understandably throwing his cocoa at him. "AH FUCK! THAT BURNS! YOU SON OF A BITCH, I AM THIS CLOSE TO STRANGLING YOU! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN A BUNKER?! This isn't even the correct dimension!"

Adrian was yelling at Ozpin while gunfire was being heard from outside. Along with explosions and some war shouts. "This isn't even Remnant! Why the fuck are you in World War III! Which in this dimension is basically World War II.. Because World War II was the first world war while this dimension's first world war was the American Revolution.. And now, it's World War III!" That was when the door was busted open by allied soldiers who looked at Adrian and Ozpin. "Uh.. Who the fuck are you guys?"

Ozpin stood up, "I am professor Ozpin from another dimen-" And then got his ass knocked out by Adrian's fist. "Damn. That felt very satisfying. I think I also gave him a broken nose. Hey, all of you. Please leave. Or I'll have to resort to breaking each of your limbs." One of the soldiers who was actually smart and had his gun out was aiming at Adrian.

Adrian shrugged and space itself distorted, his revolver somehow appearing in his hands. "This will most likely hit all of you due to you all being in such a place that I can arrange a ricochet that will hit all three of you." Yes, there were three soldiers. The two who were dumb finally had out their submachine guns. "Now, if you excuse me.." Ozpin and Adrian disappeared. Reappearing at a warehouse in which Adrian threw Ozpin 2.0 at Roman.

"Here, have this pitiful excuse of a wizard. My reward?" Roman threw Adrian a few thousand lien. "Thanks." Adrian teleported away, using his physics contract again.. So god damn usefu- He appeared in the middle of Jacques having sex with two faunus, one sucking his dick long and- Fuck this shit. Adrian teleports again. This time appearing next to Summer who possessed the zombi.. Wait, Summer was resurrected. The fuck? "Uh. Miss Rose, how the FUCK can you possess people? You're a corporeal form."

Summer shrugged, "BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, I CAST FIST!" A voice yelled out. It was John punching Whitley in the balls. "woops.. I may have went a little lower.. I was aiming for the gut." What happened next was comedic, you'd have to say it was planned.

Whitley was knocked to Cardin who hit him with his mace while swinging it accidentally to hurt Jaune, which threw Whitley to Neon Katt's backside, which then knocked him into Flynt. They went airborne and fell into paint.. Black paint.

Whitley yelled, "I'M RUIII-" And starting coughing and choking because he was yelling with paint covering his head going into his mouth.

And that's when Neon and Cardin were thrown out with John yelling, "FUCK YOU ALL! RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL IS FREE BUT YOUR MEDICAL BILLS COST MORE THAN YOU DO!"

And then threw both Flynt and Whitley out yelling once more, "YOU TWO ARE NOW BLACK! WE ONLY ACCEPT COLORS! AND YOU TWO PAINTED YOURSELVES BLACK! Like, why can't anyone just wear colorful clothes!? Black isn't a color, white is every color.. I don't allow black only, you need another color! White has so much so it's kind of allowed. Too bad none of your outfits are anything other than black."

And with that, he left the training room.


	8. Astral War Part IV

[WeirdGuyOne's Author Announcement]

Reviews?

So, I got two guest reviews, right.

One said Lancaster is bland, the other asked what the hell they were reading. I'll tell you what you're reading. You're reading a fanfiction I and my friend made for fun. It's literally just a fanfiction that's more of a joke than anything else. The plot came from some ideas my friend and I made. We were bored and decided to make some chaotic plot, and let me tell you. This is a great way to develop better writing skill, just get a partner and decide to poke fun at shit.

Anyways, if you want some reasons to why White Rose is a terrible ship, read my other story. It has a few rants in it. Oh, and here's a point that makes sense: 

Weiss cannot be paired with Ruby without making Weiss basically an OC.

Thanks for reviewing, anyways. Just wish you'd actually review instead of post something that is completely irrelevant to the fanfiction. Like seriously, why?

White Rose is a terrible ship in my opinion and by what happens in canon, White Rose CANNOT happen without a major ass pull in canon. Sure, it might seem biased, but so does all of those White Rose fanfictions that literally take up the RWBY pages. They don't have the personality of canon Weiss or canon Ruby if they do have the personality of canon Weiss. Plain and simple. This story itself also at one point explained something about White Rose. One of the first few chapters. The second I believe.

Sorry if this seems like I hate you, I don't. I'm just a bit confused on your reviews having barely anything to do with the story other than saying I'm a heavily biased person and that I make odd shit. One thing I know, I make odd shit. The heavily biased? Depends on your view, I don't think I'm heavily biased. Just more direct in my wording and not hiding it. Onto my friend's author announcement.

[Friend's Author Announcement]

I'd say that the one about "WTF am I reading?" is a good sign. A sign we are doing well. Besides, we're doing this for fun. It's not like we expect to win an award or anything. This is just two people who are letting their inner psychopaths out. You don't like this? Meh, we aren't forcing to like this. You had a laugh while reading the shit we're writing? That's really good to hear. One more smile instead of frown in a world full of scowls.

Onto the ship... I'm not really one to offend. That's why my friend here is the one posting this and not me. So I'll go with arguments. There is a serious difference between CoC and OoC. OoC is when you write a character differently from canon without any true reason, or just for the sake of the plot. OoC is a mistake. CoC (Change of Character or Change in Character) is a good plot device. When you give TRUE reasons for the character to change. If you want to make Weiss a tsundere and you change something in her past to make so... depends on how you write it, you might write a good story. But making her a tsundere ONLY so you can have WhiteRose? No, that's a poorly used plot device.

I have nothing against Yuri or Yaoi ships. I am bisex myself and I passively ship Bumblebee, BlackSun, SeaMonkeys and more (passively) so it really depends on how stories are written.

Then why, you may ask, do I dislike WhiteRose? Well, first off I like Lancaster so that's a personal opinion. But further on, it's because too many authors just pair partners with partners and go with it. Without making any sense. They don't change the personalities, they make them OoC. In some stories which are just for shits'n'giggles, that's fine. I mean, I think we all know that Jaune and Ruby wouldn't screw like rabbits, yet in this story they do just for the sake of comedy.

But too many authors don't think their pairings through. There's no chemistry, no reason for love, no sense. Partnership does not mean instantship. Does it happen with other ships as well? Yes, it does.

Lancaster is marginally spared because in canon Ruby and Jaune DO have chemistry, closeness and common traits down. They just need to take the step to Romance. So it's not all that hard to write a Lancaster story.

WhiteRose... mind me, I don't hate the ship because it's stupid to hate a concept about two fictional characters. I don't like how authors brought it up into godhood. That's not right. I think most of us ship ReNora not just because they're partners but because they are just perfect for each other.

I can understand that, in the first season, people didn't know about Weiss's... cold and sometimes bitchy personality. But to continue even now? Weiss hasn't changed one bit.

So, what I mean is... WhiteRose would need a serious change in either Weiss's or Ruby's behaviours to happen seriously.

I can't convince who doesn't want to be convinced. Choose your ship and stick to it. We will do the same.

And on that note... ONTO THE MADNESS! I mean, the chapter.

* * *

[Friend]

After Team FWCK's grand entrance and even grander immediate exit, the two teens had returned to their usual training routine. They had to try out their new sex-acquired abilities. Jaune's Semblance, Archangel, was instead recording their training to create a video about the abilities people can get from fucking 25 hours a day, and he was going to send it to Carl Greene to post it on Baconnet, Beacon's training website. Despite being mostly famous for his porn videos and Pepsi advertisement (a drink STILL not sold on Remnant, but whatever), [Me] The Professional FilmMaker Zombie, now named Carl Greene by himself and named TheProfessional on youtube, has become famous.

[Friend] He also released a movie called "Pepsi Horrors". It won many a horror award. It was a 15 minutes clip of John punishing those who had stolen Pepsi. It was marked 24+ and all people with heart problems were forbidden to watch it.

His greatest success, though, had been with the user CloakedHuntress, aka Summer Rose, with who he released "When a day doesn't have enough hours", a world-wide famous porn starring Ruby Rose and Jaune Arc.

Archangel, though, was a close third. His videos were viewed by the most important trainers in the world and used as training videos in all major combat schools. They were necessary for graduating, especially his video "How sex beats Grimm" for beginners.

Back to the Lancaster duo, both had realized that after so much time being connected (Ehm-Ehm… do not try this at home, children, or your parents might kill me and WeirdGuyOne...) they had gotten each other's Semblances. Now Yang despaired about having to keep an eye on super-fast Ruby and super-fast Jaune at the same time.

Meanwhile, Goodwitch had to repair New Vale every time Archangel and Cherubin (Ruby's new sex-acquired Semblance) decided to go at it like their Semblance wielders.

Jaune and Ruby had become Beacon's power couple. Literally. Headmistress Goodwitch decided to use a certain alloy of Electricity Dust and Sex Dust to connect the couple to Beacon's power. The two's lovemaking was able to power Beacon's entire building for months at a time. But they were also very strong in Combat Class, where they could defeat even the four times Mistral Regional champion because she simply couldn't keep up with a red blur and a yellow blur attacking her from both sides at once. Yes, both blurs were on both sides at the same second. Don't ask how because those two's Semblances can break Physic laws… kinda like Adrian Marks's. Except he has more control.

So please don't freak out. Everything is fine. Really. The world is not gonna end right now… although it might end in fifteen minutes.

And that's why you should enjoy life as long as it lasts. Now that the life lesson is over, let's go back to the story.

Especially, back to our favourite madness bringer, John, aka WeirdGuyOne, aka Pepsi Lover… aka… you don't need to know his last name.

[WGO/Me] Back at Vale, there was a certain company opening that somehow already has more employees than Beacon has students. Yes, it has more than a thousand employees. The company is owned by John, known as the "Pepsi Name, Very Original" company. Yes, you heard it correctly. John is pathetic at naming things. That's why he just named it how it is. So satisfactory, right? No, not really, but that's not our problem. 

Oh well, you're not here to care. You're here to buy yourself a crate of sodas. Fresh from manufacturing! Or… you know… fresh from the fridge.

I mean, why else are you here? To get yourself a job? Ha! Okay.. Just go to this google for- Oh wait, I'm not meant to give you readers the actual form.. You can't even work there!

"GET TO WORK, NARRATOR!" John yelled at the omnipresent version of him.. That doesn't exist in his world and John is just being a douche to himself. "AND YOU TOO, UNNAMED FRIEND!" [whoops, he got me...] Very r- "I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A GOD DAMN FISH YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Okay, can we ce- OW MY MOUTH! HE JUST PUNCHED ME! D- FUCK!

OW ALRIGHT, FINE. "We already did this before! JUST ACCEPT YOUR PLACE!" John yelled at the narrator [while I, Friend, am just going to shut the hell up to avoid any more yelling-ats] "SHHH!" John said to the Friend, while yelling at thin air to others. Behind John stood seven faunus in suits that had pepsi logos on them. "Alright, management… I need you all to run the eight factories I bullshitted my way into existence!" The faunus all scrambled like wild animals due to it being their first days while John left the room…

There was a literal spinning tornado forming in the middle of it. How? Uh... Break reality! Or broken air vents, if we have to be honest.

During the chaos at the factories which somehow has about four thousand faunus on payroll and a thousand humans on payroll due to John literally picking people off the street and throwing them on a truck if they looked homeless and to his factory, Adrian Marks got another job. "Aether, the fuck? Why!?"

[Friend] He never really got his answer.

"Fuck, fine, what's the job now?" He listened for a second before bursting out with a "Fuck you, why do I always have to take shitty jobs!? Fuck you fuck you fuck you!"

As you can guess, Adrian kind of doesn't have a filter for profanity…

"Fine, fine, I'll do it! Damn it!" He looked up at the Heavens and sighed. "I have to kidnap a fucking Faunus pervert and bring her to some fucker called Winter Sneeze. Oum, tell me, have I done something wrong in my previous life?"

A pidgeon crapped on his face. He went into rage mode and took his fucking giant shotgun. "DIE DIE DIE!"

As pidgeon feathers hit the ground, he stalked off to Beacon.

*capturing Blake Belladonna. Attempt n1*

Blake was silently walking in Beacon's halls when she saw what appeared to be a vibrator laying in the middle of the room. She walked over and picked it up before throwing it out of the window, hitting some fucker walking under it. "Meh, it's small. Only Weiss would use such a toothpick."

*capturing Blake Belladonna. Attempt n2*

Not even five minutes later, Blake found another vibrator, larger and with the image of a crow carved on it. Again, she picked it up and threw it away. "This is better but I'm not into birds. Besides, who the fuck would carve a crow into a vibrator?!"

Adrian Marks sighed and hurried to return the vibrator to Winter.

*capturing Blake Belladonna. Attempt n3*

Blake was STILL FUCKING WALKING IN BEACON'S HALLS when she smelled a heavenly aroma. The light smell of tuna. Her eyes turning into stars, she hurried to follow the smell.

Outside, a poor fucker called Adrian Marks was running at full speeds with a tuna can in his hands, the last one in the entire school. Almost as soon as he had opened it, a black blur slammed into him and eat the tune in one go, almost gulping down his hand as well. Then the girl returned to her normal, collected self and she walked away, leaving the poor merc on the ground.

*capturing Blake Belladonna. Attempt n4*

Blake blinked. She had followed the red light from Beacon to a rundown building in downtown New Vale. Was something wrong? She was pretty sure she wasn't supposed to be there.

Before she could realize it, Adrian jumped out of a window and knocked her out.

As blackness took her, she didn't have any interesting last thoughts.

(I guess this is the chapter… Next time we see Blake's imprisonment and… maybe some more stuff.) - Friend "K" (I gave you all a hint a long time ago, but none shall know!)

(And yes, the friend did much more. I have school for fucks sakes!) - WGO!


	9. Astral War Part V

New chapter, wowza! HOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW. I'm not sure what that is.

[F] = Friend.

[W] = Weirdguyone

* * *

[F] *Somewhere in New Vale. No, not even I know where…*

Blake woke up groggily, looking around to find herself in a dark room. That was pointless since she was a freaking Faunus and so she could see in the dark (take this, General Lagune!), but it still didn't change the fact she was in a damn dark, closed room instead of being somewhere in Beacon. Maybe in her room with her toys. After all Yang had restricted their use only to "when Ruby isn't in the room", and Ruby was out with Jaune, so it would've been the perfect occasion.

"Okay, where the fuck am I?" she asked aloud before she realized she was tied to a chair. That was nothing because she was a freaking ninja so she could've broken free with next to no effort at all, but she didn't want to. After all, in her books the villains revealed all their evil plans only when the heroes were bound and helpless. Not that she minded being bound and helpless, it actually reminded her of one of her books… she was getting off topic there.

"Let me see… dark room… no windows… poorly ties ropes… really uncomfortable chair… this all seems straight out of a suspense book with a kidnapping… who would ever use such a cliché?" She sighed and shook her head. Really, the world had gone insane. Also, except for the case her kidnappers were Faunus, any human would've suffered the darkness more than she did. That was just moronic. "The only one who would do such a stupid thing would be Weiss-Bitch, especially for the forgetting-about-darkvision part. She never cared enough to learn about Faunus…"

As if on cue, the room opened and Weiss stepped in with a briefcase in her hands.

"Fuck, I should've not said her name, the Bitch Lady apparently can be summoned," snorted the cat. "So, Weiss, what the fuck are you doing here? Weren't you somewhere near Cignus?"

"Cignus X-1, to be exact, but someone brought me back." Weiss scoffed in her usual arrogant way. "And before you ask yes, that is indeed a black hole."

'And that explains her sudden height…' Blake deadpanned. Weiss was now even taller than the cat herself… although in boobs and booty, she was still below zero. "So… Weiss, why have you captured me? I mean, you and I were never on friendly terms, so I guess you don't just want to chat…"

"Indeed. But I do want to make you an offer…" An orgasmic scream came from outside the door. "Ignore my father. Look at these pictures: what do you think?"

Blake looked at the photos and scoffed. "Edited pics of WhiteRose sex? Weiss, please, no one would ever believe that. Deep down, not even you believe that."

"And that's where you come in… you will scatter these pics in Beacon so for everyone to find them and talk about them. And in return…" Weiss opened her briefcase and held it out for Blake to see the complete massive vibrators collection. "You'll have these."

Blake looked at the vibrators, then at the pics, then at the vibrators, and then back at the pics. "Well, as horrible as they are, no one will ever believe them, right?" And so she chose WhiteRose.

[W] That's when the entire building fell down and collapsed into rubble. A man with a sniper rifle stood beside it, before blinking. "The fuck? Who uses unstable warehouses to kidnap people! I JUST TOUCHED THE FUCKING WALL AND YOUR BUILDING COLLAPSED!" It was Adrian.. Before he started swearing to the high heavens for being bullshit building contractors.

Weiss, who's basically only seen this man once was enraged.. And Jacques was still fucking a faunus, not even noticing the building having collapsed. Blake was looking at Adrian trying to remember where she heard about a mercenary who showed up at random times with random headaches caused. Then she realized where she heard of him, the assassin Devil. Makes a deal that binds your soul to it with his semblance and whatever is in the deal can happen.

Adrian then looked to Weiss. "Wait, hold on.. Who the fuck are you?" He was really confused, as he looked at someone who was stretched to such proportions. Weiss Schnee, angered at losing another warehouse, summoned a glyph that pushed Adrian into a gravitational field going at 500 miles per hour away from the warehouse.

Or it would have, if his contract with physics made him incapable to that. He just felt a light shove and tilted his head. "Uh, okay... I'm just going to go. I see that you're both having an intimate time." He said, pointing to Weiss's vibrator case. And then looked at the images, "Oh. You're Weiss Schnee.. That explains why you have those easily photoshopped pictures. You literally took those from the porno and colored Jaune's hair white. Then colored his clothes white. People would just see that as a new outfit for Jaune, to be honest.."

He then grabbed the photos before doing something no one expected. He threw them in a nearby trash can. "And plus, everyone thinks you're dead. This plan is going to fail and Blake's going to be thrown in jail by John. That guy is scary as hell though." He pulled out a sticky note and put it on Weiss's face when she was about to retort with her usual sass which read, "I am a moron. Any intelligent conversation with me does not exist. I waste your time and I am too stupid to understand how relationships work. Ignore me."

That's when everything but Adrian froze and John appeared, "Get some help!" He then flipped off Weiss and disappeared.. Adrian looked to where John was before commenting, "huh." And then everything resumed. Adrian then just left the building, leaving a Blake and a fuming Weiss.

Who jumped into the trash can to dumpster dive for shittily photoshopped photos. Blake, who watched with amusement, grabbed the box of vibrators and left. Jacques was still fucking the faunus. And they have been going at it for a long time, for some reason. A question that popped into Adrian's head is why Jacques didn't use Blake at all.

He shrugged before leaving even further, in which a schnee company train crashed into him. It spilled out dust and drugs.. Wait, drugs? Adrian, who was stuck under rails, teleported by the train and picked up a box of drugs. "Hey, pills that put people into unconsciousness.. Wowza." He pocketed them before warping away.

Which left basically all the drugs except a box full on the road. The White Fang, now just remnants of it's previous form, appeared out of the bushes chatting. "Yeah, Adam was crazy.. Fighting John? Dude's the closest thing to a god in this world." A male white Fang member stated, before the other two turned to him and reciprocated. "Please. If he was even close to a god, he'd be immortal. I'm pretty sure he can be ki-" The two were cut off by the male member yelling, "HOLY SHIT! DUST AND DRUGS! FUCK YEAH!"

"Why did we get the junkie.." The third white Fang member said, sounding the most mature and feminine out of all three. That's when the male member cried out in anguish, "It's just a bunch of knock-out drugs.. In a schnee company train..?" He ended his statement in a confused questioning voice. Then he accidentally stepped on a dust crystal.. Turning him to an ice statue. "Well.. I heard jokes were the best way to break the ice.. Let's see my best puns, they might make you chill more or even heat you up." This was the second White Fang member, a feminine voice that fit a 16 year old girl.

Adrian had already exited the train area, with the White Fang now clearing out. At Weiss Schnee's new hideout, she's just hiring a guy to make art of white rose. By hiring, Weiss means possessing. He was a talented artist, just White Rose is something Weiss wants. Then a bell chimed and that one dude appeared. "Oh Warren!" Weiss greeted, to which Warren lazily waved. "Yeah. Uh, Weiss. You just lost a truck to white Fang, so not really lost.. Just in an ally of the White Rose's hand. Now, don't get angry.. Those knock-out drugs are going to be effective with the new leadership of the Fang."

Warren, also known as EvilGuyOne, went on to explain. "The thing about the White Fang is that it's not just a pathetic group of sore losers. I mean, it's filled with them sure, but the leaders are to be feared. Adam himself became a desperate person and attacked John.. Thus ended with Adam getting his ass kicked so hard John toyed with him to a new level. Yeah, the reason Adam sported about four broken bones that completely annihilated his aura is because he broke John's cane. Now, with the White Fang. I appointed some guy named Gerald as the leader. Dude's a meek piece of shit but he's the best choice. Everyone else is a mega faggot." Warren then teleported away after the massive reveal of the White Fang having the weakest leadership in all the land.. Leaving Weiss to freeze her entire warehouse and require the painter to start over.

She yelled in frustration.

[F]

*Back in Beacon*

Things had gotten back to more or less normal for the teams. After Weiss's disappearance -and probably death-, Ruby's and Jaune's teams had basically shattered and reformed as one big team. Since not even John could make two teams out of seven people, he had added a boy nicknamed Will to the group, but given Ruby's and Jaune's constant wish of being together -not always sexually- the Headmistress had eventually just caved in and allowed them to remain loose as 'group RWBYJNPR' with no official name.

Adrian was sometimes added in.. For only reasons that Ren and Nora knew. He wanted to bomb a tower. He even asked Nora to help, thus came the Beacon Tower incident. And of course Adrian immediately became Nora's BBF, after Ren, because he never stopped her from blowing stuff up. Especially since he liked to help her blow students up.

John still swears he hears Phillip screaming outside his window.. Stuck in an ever-lasting gravitational loop because of Nora's hammer and Adrian's breaking of physics.

Then Adrian actually remembered his meetings with the Bad Guys, and he actually told John about them, thus warning the Good Guys that Ozpin 2.0 and Weissbitch alike were still alive and working against them.

The revelation caused mass panic among the White Fang (why? Who knows…) but not so much among the Beacon students. All the WhiteRose shippers had been purged from the school, so no one actually fought about it. Only Team FWCK was still annoyed about the treatment they received. And even then, no one gave a damn about that team.

Beacon, under John's leadership (who gave him the position of leader?! Are they insane?! Yes, probably so), planned a massive attack to the Bad Guys' secret lair. Every single Lancaster believer joined the army, and even if WhiteRose shippers still lurked around...

But there WAS a new enemy to the Lancaster belief. Arkos.. (Of course.) Pyrrha Nikos, believed to be a kind and nice person, revealed her inner psychopath one day as she tried to brutally murder Ruby. Fortunately, she got the wrong redhead and tore Penny Polendina to shreds. Some might argue that Ruby's and Penny's hair were two different shades of red, but the Mistralian champion committed the crime at night, in the dark, and so she only followed the sounds of sex. Unbeknownst to her, Penny had been masturbating at a Lancaster porn video at the time, so the redhead assassin killed an innocent robot.

Pyrrha Nikos then escaped justice by using her Polarity to warp everyone's weapons into useless junk, and running as fast as she could since she knew Yang didn't need weapons, nor did Ren. One 'cause of boxing, the other of martial arts.

The only reason she got away was because John was trying to figure out how to use the sacred art of the toaster and Adrian helping him out. The toaster is never to be underestimated. So, she ran past them while they were still working on the toaster. Just to make things clear, the two of them never managed to get the toaster to work. But Adrian made a deal with it and so the bread slices could still be toasted even without electricity.

Ah, the power of making a deal with the devil.. Even inanimate objects can try! Of course. Because, unbeknownst to them, Penny's soul had travelled along the wires and entered the toaster! So Adrian's Semblance actually bound her soul to the deal. Even when they later restored Penny, she could still toast bread slices… no one really understood how. John just said that it was magic and left it at that.


	10. Not A Chapter - Author's Note

**NOT A CHAPTER**

 **Hello, WeirdGuyOne here. It's time to talk about this story.**

 **So, when my friend and I made this story, it was all for good jokes and fun. It still is, but my friend is more held up with his own stories and work now. If you don't know who he is, I won't say.. After all, he's a bit of a mystery to you all, right? Well, here's a hint.**

 **His name starts with K and he used to be named something starting with k as well. His name itself has changed a lot since I first chatted with him on an alternate account. Fun guy.**

 **Now, I'm possibly going to be doing another joke fic story, possibly with other writers.**

 **It's up to you folks who want another controversial, offensive, and funny story or a story focusing more on John, who's not as much of a self-insert as a comic relief.**

 **I'm posting a poll soon. It won't be like the last one where I deleted it because there was not much of a reason to update that story as it was mainly just a jokefic which left me without too much fun. Now, some writers I MIGHT have help join me make a chaotic fanfiction will be listed.**

 **All of them are friends of mine I have online, but probably won't join in, but I'll attempt to make it fun. Anyways, the story idea I have for this comes from a person's wish to be if he was in Remnant.**

 **A mercenary. Yes, this next story that I'm making will focus on adventures of four intelligent but really weird people. If I don't have a 4th person, I'll just add Adrian Marks into the team. Anyways.**

 **Now, the people that I'm going to try to add might be known or might not. I'm just friends with them online and good friends in my opinion. Now, I'm putting up a poll that should ask if you want another story for when [F] isn't around to help make this story because he's focusing more on his job and his own stories. Toodles!**


End file.
